I’m already late for work, but at this point, I don’t care. My stomach’s empty and I need something to eat now. I look through the cupboards and there’s nothing but cereal; fuck cereal, I want bacon and eggs. The cereal I have isn’t even good either. Corn Pops? Why on Earth would I buy Corn Pops? What am I, twelve? I’m twenty one years old; I need a man’s breakfast. I look in the fridge for bacon and nothing’s there. The eggs have gone bad too. If it’s a week past the expiration date, I’ll give it a shot. Any more than that and my breakfast is ruined. Dammit! Two weeks past. That’s going straight in the garbage. What about sausage? Do I have any sausage? No, of course not. Corn Pops it is, I guess.
I take out the box of Corn Pops and grab the milk from the fridge. After the first bite, I realize the milk in my cereal is actually half and half. I plan to live past fifty years old, so I dump the cereal in the garbage, grab the gallon of milk from the fridge, and then realize I left my jacket in my room. I need the jacket downstairs. I cannot forget the jacket. It’s winter and I need to look good for my meeting with the boss. I put the milk on the counter and run upstairs to grab the jacket.
When I get back down, the milk is on the floor. What the fuck happened? How? Why? All these questions are going through my mind. It’s not even nine o’ clock and my day is starting out horribly. I go to grab some paper towels, but there’s none left. Naturally, they’re the first item on the shopping list. Now, I have to run upstairs, again, and grab a towel from the bathroom.
The towels are in the wash downstairs, so all I have to clean the mess is an old t-shirt used for wiping dust. It gets most of the milk off the floor, but now there’s dust all over the place, and there’s still some milk left over. What time is it? Nine thirty? I don’t have time for this shit; I’m already a half hour late! It doesn’t matter at this point because boss is going to rip me a new one whether I’m ten minutes late or an hour late.
Now that there’s no milk left, my only option is half and half. I can’t eat them plain and there’s no way I’m using water. I’m right back to where I started and life couldn’t be worse. All I wanted was bacon and eggs and now, I might be fired over spilled milk. I woke up this morning thinking today’s the day I get my shit together, but obviously, I still have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I should just go to work now.
Where’s my jacket? I just had it here a second ago! Come on, man, how can I lose my jacket? I went upstairs to get it so I wouldn’t forget, and now I can’t find it. I look in the living room, but it’s not there. Maybe I hung it up by the door. Nope, there’s nothing on the coat hanger. Why wouldn’t I put it on the coat hanger? That’s what they’re made for, right? Where the hell is my jacket! Did I actually grab it? Maybe I just imagined getting it. No, if I didn’t actually get it, I wouldn’t have started eating my cereal.
Wait, I didn’t even get to eat the Corn Pops. I spilled milk on the floor. Oh no! My jacket’s in the milk! How did that happen? That’s my only jacket and it’s cold out. Can I still wear it? Not really, but maybe no one will notice the wet mark on the back. It’s going to smell though when it dries, and I can’t go to the meeting if I smell. I get in my car and on my way to work, I remember the deli next to the office opens at eight.